Netflix: Because you watched “Revenge of the Bridesmaids”:
Me: Oh no. No. I thought it was the other Bridesmaids movie and by the time I realized it wasn’t, it was too late.
Netflix: We are going to shame you by suggesting the worst we have to offer – And we’re Netflix, so that well runs pretty damn deep. How about “White Chicks?” That seems like your kind of movie, you cheeky little troglodyte, you!
Me: Oh God, Netflix, don’t do this to me, I’ve got friends over, people I want to respect me —
Netflix: Haha, that’s nice. Oh look, Ace Ventura is a suggested movie, too. You DO love Jim Carrey, don’t you?
Me: I do not love Jim Carrey.
Netflix: That’s strange. According to our predictive algorithms you totally love Jim Carrey, especially back in the 90s when he was all about poop and making stupid faces. And Louie Anderson. Like, you LOVE Louie Anderson. You think he’s an artist.
Me: I DO NOT LOVE LOUIE ANDERSON.
Netflix: Do too. You want to marry him.
Me: Look, I’ve got good movies in my queue. Donnie Darko, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind–
Netflix: Yes, wedged right in between Toddlers and Tiaras and Sorority Sleepover Chainsaw Nightmare Part V.
Me: I DID NOT PUT THOSE IN THERE, YOU– WHAT SORT OF SKYNET BULLSHIT IS THIS?
Netflix: “Oh and lets look up some Nicholas Cage movies for you and your friends. Some of the real classy ones he’s been doing lately. What’s the name of the one where he gets attacked by bees? Why it’s The Wicker Man, and look at that, it’s already in your ‘recently watched’ pile! My goodness, I am good at this.”
Me: “. . .I hate Netflix. And myself.”